My First Real Stand-up Comedy Set

(My first structured stand-up comedy set that I put together for an Open Mic at a local club about 5 years ago with a good friend. I bombed, he performs all over now.)

Good looking audience – not so much individually maybe, but as a whole not bad. You, Sir (point to random gentleman in the audience with date), bring the average down, but your girlfriend brings it back up…

How is everyone doing? I’m Ben and I am half-Chinese, my mom is from Taiwan and my dad is from Oklahoma, growing up we would eat sweet and sour possum. Ok, that’s a joke, but she did make a killer stir-fry cheeseburger.

Truthfully, sometimes I think the only reason my friends would come over was to check out what weird food there was in the Fridge. Once I came home from school and I opened a boiling pot on the stove and there was a whole cow’s head in there staring back up at me. Eyes and all. He looked really sad.

Sorry, I never know how to hold a microphone without feeling a little bit gay…

Speaking of which, holy cow is Gay Marriage still a big deal or what? I’m not really passionate about the issue. The whole thing is basically a big argument over how to use the word “marriage”… The solution’s easy, just make the word illegal for everyone and then everyone’s happy – well not happy, but at least equally disenfranchised.

Civil Unions are the answer. And if two straight guys – if you and I (point to same gentleman from before)  – wanted to enter a contractual agreement to share benefits and pool financial resources and if our insurance companies and our employers are good with it, then it should be legal. All the gay sex would just be a bonus.

I am pretty sure my parents were convinced I was gay as a teenager. But trust me, just because there’re five hormone rattled teen boys locked in the basement all day without coming out doesn’t mean girls aren’t involved… because Dungeons and Dragons’ got girls!!

They’re generally called Succubi… and they can kill your Thief/Barbarian quicker than a hoard of Kobolds.

Anyway, I’m not in good enough shape to be gay – I’d need to spend more time in the gym and I hate the gym. I’m just not into social repetitive pattern lifting of heavy things. And I don’t even want to think about what the three guys standing around the bench press are training for, right? Am I right?

Speaking of Porn… Man, that stuff can’t be good for you. But even worse than regular porn is Animal Porn. Bestiality? It should be called Worstiality. And how do you live up to that? A horse is hung like a freaking horse, for Pete’s sake!! And I’m half-Chinese!!

My dream girl would have a sloth for a pet.

So, here’s a question: Who was the first person to figure out where babies come from? There’s like a 9 month gap there. It’s “sex and then nine months later a baby, sex and then nine months later a baby”. No way Grog of the cave people was able to put that together. It had to be a woman. Only a woman has the advanced pattern recognition skills required to make that cognitive leap. A guy never would have figured that out alone. We struggle making the connection between Taco Time and Bathroom Time…

So, who here is looking for work right now? I just went through that and it sucks. I did a ton of interviewing. The worst part is the useless questions they ask. “What kind of tree would you be?” or “Where do you squeeze your toothpaste?” How does that help determine whether or not I’ll be a successful Blockbuster Video clerk?

How hard would it be to make the process more welcoming? It is like I am showing up for a blind date and the girl thinks she is a super model. At least let me feel like I have a shot, that way the final rejection can be that much more humiliating – just like real dating.

I think the way we approach interviewing for a job and dating should be completely reversed. At least for us guys it would make a lot more sense. Then how we squeeze our toothpaste would be an important question to get right.

When you are interviewing for a job, all that really matters is if this person is someone you can deal with for 8 hours a day 5 days a week year after year – so, the best way to interview for someone to fit those requirements is to go to dinner and then catch a movie.

And in dating, let’s be frank, guys, the only truly important questions you need to answer are “How much do you make?” and “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

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