68 Tiny Twitter Film Reviews (1-18-16 to 12-6-16)

This is my seventh batch of short movie reviews that I have posted on Twitter. There are 68 in this bunch. I was going to wait one whole calendar year, but I got bored tonight so I downloaded my full Twitter Archive and separated these out to kill some time. These reviews span the period from January 18, 2016 to December 6, 2016, and are listed in chronological order (the order in which they were originally posted).

I have been tweeting these sort of short 140 character Movie Reviews since I first joined Twitter. I have alternated between taking great pride in boiling down a complex opinion about something to a short, but thoughtful tweet and feeling lamely self-important about it.

Anyway, may I present to you… 68 Tiny Twitter Film Reviews:

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#13Hours – Michael Bay does the “one for Hollywood, one for himself” thing, too. This was the small art film one for himself.

#Indignation #Sundance – it is about this one thing, while also being about this other thing, when it is really about this final thing.

#Deadpool – Morena Baccarin, ’nuff said.

#DonVerdean – we will have to agree to disagree on this one, unless you didnt like it either, in which case, agree to agree.

#CrouchingTigerHiddenDragon2 – less depth and less art than the original, but still great. Woo Ping is no Ang Lee, but he is still Woo Ping.

#Sisters – I used to think it was only Liz Lemon that I loved, but I now realize it’s really Tina Fey that’s stolen my celebrity crush heart.

#IpMan3 – somehow this ludicrous formula of domestic melodrama mixed with fight club fantasy action still magically works 3 films in.

#PeeWeesBigHoliday – yeah, I kinda needed that.

#BatmanVsSupermanDawnofJustice – 2/3 dour and portentous with one big side of “SMDH”, and 1/3 of “I didn’t actually completely hate it”.

#HardcoreHenry – yeah, I had to call it about half way through. If only there were some kind of technology to stabilize a jumpy picture…

#The5thWave – more like The Umpteenth Wave, amirite? Seriously though, nothing new to see here. You can keep moving along.

#TheMermaid – Stephen Chow has probably the most idiosyncratic comedic voice in the world right now. And he is only getting more confident.

#Keanu – no way this movie would work even a fraction as well as it does with any other actors than Key & Peele.

#Zoolander2 – I am embarrassed to say that at one time I was very excited about the possibility of a Zoolander sequel.

#CaptainAmericaCivilWar – Super good.

#MonsterHunt – goofy, sentimental, action packed – I don’t know that it works entirely, but I am really glad that it tried.

#SharkansasWomensPrisonMassacre – The title about sums it up. Also, director Jim Wynorski is our nation’s greatest working shlock filmmaker.

#CopCar – really liked it. For some reason it reminded me a lot of One False Move, but, you know, with little kids.

#SingStreet – I wish, I wish, I wish it were all real. That’d be 30 years of history just waiting to be discovered and devoured. #happysad

#GodsOfEgypt – I surprisingly didn’t hate it. I almost even enjoyed it. But that doesn’t mean it was actually good or anything.

#PrideAndPrejudiceAndZombies – I think that title pretty much sums it all up.

#TheNiceGuys – so exactly the kind of movie I love. Shane Black is a GD National Treasure.

#Zootopia – not my cup of tea, plus I just don’t understand how that city works. At all. I mean the logistics are insane. Crazy animals.

#HailCaesar – totally delightsome. I feel like the Coen’s made it just to see if they could, and I am seriously glad that they did.

#TheDoOver – Adam Sandler does it again. A little darker than most of his work, but still very much a Sandler joint. I am saying I liked it.

#Sahara – hated it when it was first released, but would love to see McConaughey and Zahn together again in an action-y adventure-y way.

#Grimsby – sometimes my taste in film is completely indefensible.

#XMenApocalypse – like a mix of the Xmen and #GodsOfEgypt, imbued with all the common sense one would expect from a decision like that.

#Warcraft – better than all three Hobbitses Movies combined. The lead male actor sounded kinda like Christopher Lambert in Highlander.

#KindergartenCop2 – I seriously can barely remember the original. So… Yeah… Kindergarten Cop. Number 2. Yep. The second one. Numero dos.

#EverybodyWantsSome – nothing happens in the simplest most charming way. A cross between MASH and Animal House without any of the heavy.

#EverybodyWantsSome – and also F**k this movie for making me care about characters that I would probably deeply dislike in real life.

#MrRight – aside from the incredibly questionable morality of every single character in the movie, it was full of fun performances.

#Ghostbusters – very much a Ghostbusters movie. Also very much a Paul Feige movie. And all the pros and cons both of those things imply.

#LegendOfTarzan – finally a seriously solid and faithfulish Tarzan movie from beginning to end, even if it felt a bit Harlequin-y in parts.

#StarTrekBeyond – out of the three in this new series, it is the most emotionally resonant,the most optimistic, and the most adventurous.

#JasonBourne – wants to be about really interesting, relevant things, but ultimately isn’t – still… WOOHOOO!! It’s JASON BOURNE!! WOOHOO!!

#HuntForTheWilderpeople – <3

#SuicideSquad – better than #ManOfSteel and #BatmanvSuperman, but not as good as #MeteorMan.

#SausageParty – probably should have seen #PetesDragon instead, or anything else really.

#CaptainFantastic – it almost had me, even with all the textbook hipster, but then Sweet Child O’ Mine happened, and I was out.

#PetesDragon – per John Morehouse (my 7 year old grand-nephew): “I didn’t like it. I loved it.”

#KuboAndTheTwoStrings – Art.

#NowYouSeeMe2 – I don’t quite understand anything that happened in it. It was still fun, but not in a way that I would want to repeat often.

#WarDogs – I think that all movies “based on a true story” should include how much of the story is true. This one gets about 35% true.

#DontThinkTwice – more truthful and human than the entirety of #WarDogs, also a lot funnier and sadder all at once.

#DontThinkTwice – there is a scene in which they perform to an audience of about five people. I have experienced that so many times…

#NationalLampoonDrunkStonedBrilliantDead – makes you nostalgic for experiences that another you in a different universe got to have.

#MaximumRide – was surprised that it had been made into a movie. Had potential, but think it was hindered by its budget.

#IAmNotASerialKiller – the way low budget horror should be done – austere, character driven, on film.

#CentralIntelligence – so help me God, I really liked it. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

#HardTarget2 – a man finds redemption for killing his best friend by killing a bunch of bad guys that are trying to kill him.

#BetterLateThanNever – kinda wonderful.

#MagnificentSeven – the ending is right out of #MyNameIsNobody, but in a good way, other than the massive amounts of death.

#MissPeregrinesHomeforPeculiarChildren – Tim Burton has a masterpiece in him, maybe after he works through his daddy issues, he can make it.

#TrainToBusan – the first time a zombie movie has ever made me cry. Er… not cry, I mean.. rather, you know, tear up a bit…

#Mascots – sorely misses Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara, but any Christopher Guest is better than none Christopher Guest.

#TheLittlePrince – literalizes metaphor, dissects all the beautiful of the original, then adds a whole new story on top to explain it all.

#Storks – surprisingly sweet, surprisingly funny, surprisingly engaging. Just really surprising all around I guess…

#DoctorStrange – yeah, Marvel definitely has a specific style, but I don’t think there is anything necessarily wrong with that.

#Arrival – I really needed that…

#LondonHasFallen – terrible movie, and the weirdest thing is, the worse it got, the more awesome it became!! Trump should have to watch it.

#FantasticBeastsAndWhereToFindThem – surprisingly empathetic and sweet souled, even though the plot dips kinda dark.

#MechanicResurrection – joyless.

#TrueMemoirsOfAnInternationalAssassin – No excuses, I really liked it. @Netflix is a great home for Kevin James and Adam Sandler movies.

#Gojira – I thought I had seen it before, but apparently not. It is nuanced, thinky, moral scifi with a giant monster at the center.

#RurouniKenshin – man, everything I love about Asian Samurai films, with great choreography, fun performances, and a ton of heart.

#Moana – there is part of it that is magical and emotionally perfect, and there is a part of it that is a cookie-cutter Disney Princess film

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